I remember hearing somewhere that the trick to finding something to write about is to hold on to the idea until the words can’t stay contained inside of you anymore.
Well. Today is that day. Words are overflowing. Emotions are running high. But mostly nerves.
It’s been seven months since I last posted anything here.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
I apologize for the strong language but really? How has so much time gone by?
Wait. No. I retract that apology. I’m not sorry.
I am initializing the self-compassion button. Ready? Okay.
It has been 7 months since I last posted here. There. Not so bad in bold. But still not feeling so great either.
I’m told acceptance is the first step. So I accept the fact that time has literally flown before my very eyes. And while I can’t get back the time, I can give you a quick month to month recap of where I’ve been.
- I discovered pole dancing classes and reclaimed my sexuality. Yowza!
- I renewed my passport because I come up with the idea that I’m important enough to go to VidCon a social media conference held annually in Anaheim, California.
- I get my smart serve thinking it’s easy to get a job as a server in Toronto (SPOILER ALERT: it’s very hard).
- I start working for weight watchers and while I love motivating and inspiring others, I’m just not making enough pesos. I start to look for a second job.
- I attend an interview at Mill Street Beer Hall and get hired on the spot!
- I get in to the “Laughing Like Crazy” program which empowers people struggling with mental health to explore their difficult issues through standup comedy. But I last all of two sessions. My feelings of discomfort, unworthiness and general fear is what did me in. But I fully regret that decision.
- I am balancing two jobs with motherhood and planning my trip to VidCon. I’ve told all my followers on YouNow that I’m going, so I intend on following through on this.
- I start planning for VidCon, I spend the majority of this month, working ungodly hours, to help fund this trip. First I buy the Creator VidCon Pass. Shortly after I book my flight and decide to spend the entire week in Cali so I can see my family. I make reservations at 3 hotels before landing an awesome deal at a hotel that’s super close to the convention centre. The one time when my overthinking pays off.
- My Dad’s health takes an unexpected turn. And like always, I am the last to know because my parents don’t want me to worry. I’m told my Dad has to go for surgery to remove a mass from his intestines and of course, being true to my DNA, I worry. And fret. And realize that watching my parents health decline is actually the most heartbreaking thing.
- My dad has his surgery and I make the decision to go ahead with my trip to VidCon. I experience a lot of judgement for this decision. Okay. So it’s a lot of self-judgement. But something is pulling me to Anaheim.
- VidCon will get it’s own post but it basically changed my life. In the best ways possible. Stay tuned for that post. And the video footage. Which is still living on my computer.
- While in Anaheim, I get an email from Second City inviting me to interview for a host position.
- I interview for the hosting job at Second City on July 16, 2019. I dress to the nines and tell my manager why she needs to hire me. I get the job ten days later.
- I spend this month training and working at Second City. I am in my happy place. Literally.
- Adam and I celebrate our anniversary and we celebrate it by attending Just For Laughs. We see Marc Maron and he’s even better live than on his weekly WTF podcast. We leave Ethan with a babysitter for the first time and he has the time of his life! We realize he’s growing up so fast and this is also making me a little sad.
It has been almost two years since I first embarked on this blogging journey and adopted my “Urban Yenta” persona. When I first started, I adopted this “team zero fucks” approach/mentality. At first, I thought this was the key, the hidden secret or what have you to truly honouring your true self, living your best life and getting shit done.
And it worked. For a bit. Until it didn’t.
What I’m slowly learning to accept about myself is that I’m a recovering people-pleaser. With extremely low self esteem. Who constantly needs validation. I constantly second guess myself, question my worth and allow people’s opinions to shape my place in the world.
But wait! There’s more!
Instead of dealing with the shitty things that happen, instead of confronting the uncomfortable emotions, I run in the opposite direction. I throw myself into a new project. Find a new job. Try and find new people to relate to. Avoid the people who do hurt me. I will act impulsively causing more hurt. I do everything and anything BUT deal with my shit.
And so, there is no “team zero fucks”. I just abandon all the fucks.
But it always catches up to you.
And then you’re just fucked.
Are you with me? That’s a lot of F-bombs for one blog post I think. I’m not sure why I’m telling you all this. Or why I felt compelled to explain myself. I think I just needed a way to make sense of the last seven months, in order to continue on with this blog and my life. Because I want to keep going and I hope you will join me. I’m not entirely sure where this path will lead me, but I’m glad I’m here and I’m glad you’re here, today.
Until next time